This photo is blurry but this is the Senior I care for. He does not have tremendous health problems, some walking issues. He is 91. Sometimes he has moments where he thinks he won’t live another day, and then he says he is surprised when he wakes up in the morning.
I have looked for reasons to live the past thirteen years. Hopelessness has gripped my life in the past, where I did not care whether I lived or died because I just wanted it to get better.
I remember once in 2013 feeling so bad, and so weird..wanting to die but did not have the courage to end it. Laid in bed wondering..I said to anyone in particular..”I can’t live life this anymore, let me out of this or kill me!”
Oddly enough, I was sick during that time up until past New Years in 2014. I called immediately to the Grand Jury and felt as thought I had been shot. Then I realized..it was a reason to live. For a year I had to sit there, and listen to testimonies and my vote mattered to someone. I heard horror stories of drugs, abuse, things I can’t say obviously but I felt like someone or something was keeping me alive.
I muddled through the next few years until I found God in 2015. I am just now trying to make peace, and be in agreement with the spirit, and with how God sees me.
The man you see in this picture told me today: “I just wish time wouldn’t pass so fast!” His voice trembled when he said it. I instantly told him he had time left and to please hang in there. He sits at the desk you see, and loves to watch the birds, and the squirrels. He still talks longingly of his late wife. It is an amazing thing to get to know the older generation. We are too quick to judge them thinking they have nothing to say, but even though they are tired, and just want to die, they also have moments where they want to hang onto life.
Maybe that is what God is trying to show this broken down soul in me, because for too long I have wanted nothing more but to die, thinking it would be easier than life. It is a lie of evil.
The trick is to try little by little to let God breathe life back into me, just as He did when He breathed life into us in Genesis.
If a 91 year old man can see life has value, so can I.