I Am Like Half A Tree..

I miss my old home, the land around it. My Parents moved us to Pinnacle, North Carolina in the late 1980’s when I was 13. We live on family land that used to be a farm. It is very quiet and serene up there with a creek, woods, and a pond, and an acre of land.

The tree you see in the above photo I took a few months ago. It sits at the top of the hill facing our house. Next to it, is the road and our front yard. This tree captivated me several times, and I stopped to look at it. I instantly thought: Wow, this tree looks like me! Broken and messed up.

I notice on it though, it has life in it still, but the other half is cut off. It is leaning sideways, it is cut off, and scrawny. It is a pine tree, but a weird pine tree, not full of life and growth, but barely putting out anything.

As someone who never wanted to be a Christian, I ran to it scared in 2015. It has been a brutal and lying few years since then, I have fell for every false belief and lie about God there is, and it only pushed me from him. The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy not God, but in my mind I feel like He is the one that wants to take everything away so we can suffer.

Then I met new people, saw different viewpoints, and realized God must have been speaking through these people.

I do not always condone visions because I refuse to accept any demonic visions but recently I was praying one night, and right at the end, I saw two tear bottles. One was tiny, represented mine, and the other one represented God’s. I saw a giant tear fall and a very sad face. It seemed to imply God was very unhappy that I was so unhappy.

And why not? I came back to Him in November, miserable, feeling like I was being dragged back kicking and screaming against my will. I went back to church, read my Bible and did everything on autopilot to please God. I obeyed what he brought to mind, I did what He told me but was numb. I had several moments of tears as well. I was in church one day and every time we stood up to sing music, I wanted to sit in the floor and cry. I did not know why I was crying.

Once I moved to my hometown for a new job, someone took a huge burden on me and cared deeply about my relationship with God, and started working with me on it. This can’t be an accident. I was drawn to books that felt like God was talking to me, and He brought several scriptures in Psalms to mind like he was talking to me like Psalm 35 and 121. He also brought up Isaiah 35 about a parched land being renewed, and the other post I wrote about dry bones being brought back to life.

Obviously, something is going on here. I always feel like I am some dead tree or something that is lifeless. I have been that way forever.

Over and again I choke up over this scene from Silence of the Lambs, of all movies. The horrible scene where the cops discover Lector had escaped prison and killed the guards? Okay, well this young cop was scared to talk to the dying cop on the gurney, and I never ever forgot this..So the older cop tells this young guy, talk to him. And the guy panics: What do I say? And the older cop gets emotional and chokes out: It’s Jim Pembry, talk to him dammit! I hate that there was cursing, sorry God, but I forever remember this line all the time.

I am upset, I can’t deal with things, I am trying to talk to myself, or the mountain I am supposed to talk to, and this line comes up..talk to yourself! I feel like a shell of a person sometimes. More often than not lately, my mind is blank. I went so far in the Christian fear of hurting God, I cut off my thoughts scared I would think something sinful, now it has gotten used to being turned off and i have to make myself think ..anything good, anything at all really.

So when I saw this tree, I did not have to think. I just took out my camera being the never ending Photographer I am, and shot it fast. Look around you. Something will represent you as well. I find nature has endless things that remind us of ourselves.

I can be a weird tree…that is brought back to life! šŸ™‚

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