A Look Back at a sad year

Most of this blog has been written at my previous job as a Caregiver. In Mid July, on an early morning, I went outside to find the man I had cared for on the ground. He had a brief dementia moment that pushed him over the edge due to a raging infection. His walker was thrown on the ground, he had ripped off his pants and was lying there half naked. I say that not to upset anyone, but because the scene was so upsetting it still swirls around in my head. He had a fake eye, and it was rolled back in his head. For a moment, I thought he was dead.

Nobody saw him. That stunned me. He was lying on the ground for two hours. I called 911 in a panic because he had Emphysema and Congestive Heart Failure and could not move because he injured his leg.

After I called them, I paced back and forth and I swear it was a scene out of a movie. I told him in a half apology, I was sorry I had not been patient with him, and had been so irritated but my teeth were killing me from an abscess. He kept saying calmly: No, you are wonderful. I looked to the Bird feeders he had spent so much time watching, and they were happily eating, ignoring the fact that the man who loved them so much, lay exposed and helpless on the ground. That got to me in ways I cannot even express.

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I even said to him, your birds are right there, trying to find something to say that sounded human because I was so tired, sickly and panicked. He went to the Hospital and I quickly decided to go on home back to my Mother’s house. I made the decision when they said he might be going into a home when he gets out. I could not stand the thought of staying in that house any longer. There was nothing for me there. I was packed in a day and ready to go.

Memories come to me of sitting with him outside while he spoke of his late wife that he loved madly up until she died in 2014 from ALS. He was a mailman for years in Calfifornia, and loved nature. He was a woodworker and had tons of pieces all over his house, sadly never sold hardly any of them. His parents were from Denmark originally. He had Dutch sayings all over his house. He travelled a lot with his wife, and his China Cabinet was full of his travels.

He was in the Korean war and it must have hurt him, he had to leave his wife for a year and his new child born while he was away.

I really learned a lot about myself during this job. I did not think I could take it another day. It was brutal on me because from the day I showed up, my health took an ugly turn. I had numerous stomach issues, food allergies, migraines, had a bad virus once also, and I am lucky I did not lose my job.

In the five months I was there, I had to lead and take charge, run a household, be a housekeeper, keep track of medicine, and deal with Physical Therapists. I had to learn medical things, including understanding blood pressure readings and dealt with countless scary experiences with his pulse rate. He was in the Hospital three times when I was there for a repeated UTI, low pulse and heart failure. He looked forward to coming home to me. That is so flattering.

I honestly dont know how to feel. His Daughter in Law told me that he said I was wonderful. That is all he ever said about me. A month after I left, he died on August 14th. He had lost his will to live. He could not walk anymore, he was in bed all the time. What stabs me the most is that he was not a Christian and refused it. We all tried to get him to Christ, except me. I was told to not say anything. I will never know whether or not, he accepted him before he died. I can lie to myself and say he went to Heaven but every time I get away from God, and come back, I am reminded that God is very much real and what he said in His Word is real to, there is a hell, whether people want to fight me or not. I don’t care.

My mind is trying to process this mess of losing him, not understanding why God put me in such a harrowing job, working twenty four hours a day, sick and tired, barely made it out alive myself. The last thing I wanted to do was lose someone else. I lost my Father last year and did not want to go through another death. I tried not to get close to Bill, but he was likeable and easy to get along with. I cant forget him.