Conflict is happening again. Same problems months ago, no money, irritated and impatient people around me. Once again, I went to God in prayer, and laid everything down for him to take, told him I was waiting on answers like before.
Months ago, in February, I went to the field, and sobbed helplessly begging God to do something. I did the same thing today only the drama was a bit more severe.
I walked into the creek bed, to pick up rocks. I cried silently so strong that I could not see the rocks, I could not see anything. It overtook me. All I kept thinking was..I don’t want to lose this, I just want peace, I just want this place. I need beauty. I even said it out loud in a choked voice for God to please take note and understand what I could not say. I carried my rocks back with me as if I was taking a piece of me, this creek had become a part of me, and it meant a lot. If it got took away, then I am taking part of it with me. As I stood there, watching sun shine through the trees again, I tried to give myself a pep talk, that there was always nature wherever I went, and all I would need is a nice tree, a lake, an ocean, give me something that I can hold onto. God knows this, He knows what nobody else does.
Every time I find peace, it gets taken from me. I have lost many friends through the years, I don’t have anyone, and all I have is my love of creation and nature. I picked up a few rocks finally, and stood staring at the blue sky in the vastness. I was depressed at that point. Repeat of February.
Months ago on that day, I cried and stared off miserably. Two weeks later, a job fell in my lap that turned my whole world upside down. I lost it because my time was up, the man I cared for, died. I don’t know what to do now. Divine intervention has always been needed in my situation because I have no car, and live in a rural area.
I really want to write, and sell my art, and I can never get my way no matter how hard I work, or what I do, how many hours I spend on it, nothing.
I have to revert back to the faith I gave God. Church was open months ago. I went that Sunday, upset, and one of the songs sung was called: God will provide. I felt like it was being screamed at me. Sure enough, He did.
The sermon was about the Gentile woman in Mark who begged Christ to heal her demon possessed daughter. He just stood there with no expression, gave her no clue that he was going to help her. He told her he she was a Gentile, she gave a response he finally liked, and because she refused to let go of her faith, he gave her what she wanted. The Pastor really belted it out that day that we have to hang onto faith.
Now, I once again sit back and wait, and surrender. Just wanting peace, and that is why the tears came. I don’t want to be without beauty. I said this out loud kneeling on the creek bed. Please take note, Father.