Digging for Hope

I haven’t been to the creek lately, I have been sick with a cold in bed, staring at the sun from far away, and being oddly sensitive.

I took time to watch some Tornado documentaries and shocked myself at how much it scared me. I was brought to tears multiple times. I watched one more today, than later on, sat sobbing, asking myself: “What is wrong with you?”. Maybe it is hormones, maybe its because I hate things like that when I am trying to see God in a good way, and not as a bully, it clearly does no help. Then..hope. Someone wrote online in an article that they like to see it as God’s presence and not in a bad way. Okay, maybe I need to do that instead of being scared of it.

So afterwards, I watch another show: “I Shouldn’t Be Alive”. One of my favorites, depressing as it is. This couple was lost in the Amazon, and at some point they came across wild boars. The guy took out a knife and charged one. He ran. Tears came again. Gee, what is it with me???!!! Then I realize…stand up and fight back, face your fears. Okay, so it’ the oldest phrase in the book, but I have reached that point to where I am ready to all but brandish a knife and go running at something, and end the fear once and for all, to find hope buried somewhere.

That is why I take photos of the sun, and open my blinds first thing in the morning-hope. It is why I cling desperately to anything I can, as long as it’s healthy-plants, nature, bible verses.

Earlier in the week, I was determined to not let Winter get to me. So, I went outside, took a knife in a different way, and cut up a patch of grass with clovers and put it in a pot. I got the idea from a Vlog I saw. If I can’t be outside, I will bring it indoors dang it.

Speaking of nature, I still have a plant I have took care of since Summer and it sunbathes every day in the south window, and gets stronger and more brighter. So obviously, the philosophy to me is to keep reaching for the light to get stronger, to feed and to nurture on it, so I can find hope.