There is a lesson I am learning this year. I told God before he New year, I was going to be more honest than ever before in all ways. What that means is I lay more of the ugly down and pray whether I want to or not. Second, I also acknowledge inside when something annoys me. I am not a cookie cutter Christian, and refuse to be some robotic, fake smiling person who grits their teeth all the time.
I can be walking around the house, and thinking about something hard in the Christian journey, and I will say to myself: Well I don’t like it. I will voice my frustration since there is no hiding things from God anyway. I don’t talk directly to him in these moments, it is with myself but it is not like He is not aware of how I feel.
Sometimes I might say: This is crap. Or I might feel slight sarcasm, nothing disrespectful towards God, more like I am deeply saying how I feel. In the process I am not ignoring myself.
I have gotten away from God twice since 2015 for long periods of time. When I came back the first time, I was a shell of a person. Thought God wanted me miserable, and never was allowed to do anything or have anything.
Second time around, I tried to lighten up a little bit, and make peace with myself. To not panic so much. To understand everyday life, and be at ease with it. I am very honest with myself and it has helped a lot.
Sitting on repressed feelings does nobody any good. Even if I don’t journal more than just a paragraph, I will write it something I feel, and sometimes leave it in mid thought if I have nothing else to say. The point is, I bring it out in the open.
You can do the same.
Don’t pretend with God that you feel okay when you don’t. Don’t suck it up if your angry, or not in a mood. Say it to Him, and to yourself.
An example that I hear from every Christian, is how hard it is to read the Bible first thing. I know I have to put God first though because He can avoid answering prayers, or working in my life if I don’t, but many mornings I am half asleep, and choose to be honest in prayer. I will say something like: “Father, I am not awake yet, going to read right now, I can barely find the words to say, but making an effort…”.
Then I will just read and do it. I don’t pretend I am happy with God’s Word all the time, I bring up confusing things to myself throughout each day. Why does it have to be this way? I don’t like that story yet, etc.
I spent too much time lying to myself on how I felt in order to be a “perfect” Christian. I thought casting down imaginations meant never dealing with anything because it was for the best, but it spills out into every area of your life.
So where are you not being honest? Dig it out and lay it open no matter how you feel.