One of the promises I made myself this year was to be very honest with God to the point of humilation. I have always been ashamed anyway of my feelings whenever I pray because I have too many issues with Him, so I figured I would say what I could and the rest He already knows sadly. I say sadly because one of the things that I squirm over is never having privacy in my own head to process things out, or to think. Pastors, everyone tells us that God sees everything so it is actually pretty scary.
So here I am riding my stationary cycle, and some of the deepest thoughts come to me as I ride and hear music. I tend to choose the deeper songs, and end up crying while I workout. Cycling is too easy, and you have to pass the time doing something, so music is the go to for me. I didn’t know I would end up in tears a lot.
I am not sure yet if God wants me to do this, I am waiting, but I am drawn heavily towards the idea of starting another blog if I can get the money, where I help people who are outcasts like me.
I feel like I am the only one alive who goes to Google and types in the most weirdest phrases in my Christian journey. Doubts, insecurities, thoughts nobody else thinks, and I always find people that are always willing to write to convict you, but never any that speak of the journey itself and how hard it is in the spaces in between. Instead, I see people wrapping up their lessons in life with fancy words, and pretty packaging, making sure not one ugly word drops.
The problem with that is, it is not reality. When I read articles like this, which are a dime a dozen, I get ticked off. I have asked myself on repeat why I am the only one who wants to talk raw? Who wants to bare it open the thoughts we have about how hard Christianity is instead of people just saying: “Yeah, it’s hard, but we have God”. Um, nope. How about: “Yeah it’s hard because you have trust issues, and you don’t know how to look at God when you think he is your enemy, and just wants to take everything from you, so you can be a slave.” Yes, those thoughts. The ones people push away and say no I am not thinking this. I did that too until it smacked me in the face and made me pay attention to it.
In late 2019 I was on Reddit, and God kept dropping people into my lap that was suicidal and had negative thoughts about Him, and did not know what to think, I always jumped in, and tried to talk to them even though I didn’t know what to say, I still prayed fervently for them. God still drops people on me to this day, so much so that I wonder if it’s a ministry. Problem is, I feel the same way they do at times, and I don’t have all the answers, I just plow through and do as I am told, and pray and try to give him my burdens.
So I keep thinking of a place for losers like me who are scarred badly, and hurt deeply and when I look around, I see plenty of women like me, who have no idea how to look at God either, and they want to end their life because of it. I noticed the average Christian will just jump in and say some hokey, cheesey line, that they mean well, but does not touch them.
When I was first saved in 2015, that next year, I was briefly involved in the female jail ministry. I had to go to the local jail and we alternated talking to the women. I felt it was deeply flawed and hated it. The women wanted people to listen to them, they wanted to talk privately, they did not want a lecture on how to get saved, and that is what they sent us in there to do. Something felt very wrong and after three months I quit. If I could not talk to them one on one, I had no interest.
A woman was on Twitter recently, proving to me that God meets us where we are at, and she is a BTS ARMY. I still consider myself a fan, a miserable one that has to reign it in due to my addiction to them in the past. But anyway, she was a Christian and very upset, and as she spoke about God, she wrote post after post of the kinds of feelings I am talking about-the miserable ones that everyone keeps inside, and does not dare say out loud, except she said them out loud. I told her it was good she spoke up and said these things.
I realized after her, that God really keeps putting these people in my path. I did ask him to, and he does, but I am just as messed up as they are deep down, I am just sometimes handle it differently, or pray more or something.
I am writing this post to get it out of my system so at least I am being honest. From what I see everywhere online, can I just tell you that it seems like MOST teachers are not being gut wrenching raw? They are honest, as they can be, but filtered. They are a mood, as they say. Sometimes you need articles where women talk of hope and say inspirational things, sometimes you want people to get down on your level, and say how much this whole thing sucks, and how do we process it?
For me, I am the latter. So I say to you, if you are stumbling upon this post, maybe God is working something crazy through me, you never know. I pray for that every day.
Are you being honest with yourself about how you feel about God? The journey? Do you pretend it is all fine when it is not? Say your okay, when you are not okay? Push back your feelings, until they start spilling out everywhere uncontrolled? If that is you, the first step I would say is start journalling and let out the ugliness. Pray even if you hate it, I do. Were supposed to hand it over, even when we don’t want to, so I have started to say to God: “So I have to give up everything so I can be judged by it? Will it be taken from me?Why does everything have to be taken away? Why are there so many rules?”
Honest, direct, no playing around. God has seen every type of pain since the beginning of time, He can handle it, even if we can’t.
If you find yourself crying more, just do it. I am crying right along with you.
P.S. I wanted to say that I did not mean to insult female bloggers who did write inspirational articles and posts, the point I was making was that it is entirely a mood and for some of us, it just isn’t enough. Sorry if I made it seem like I was being rude. We all have a part in the kingdom!:)