My Testimony

I shudder at having to tell anyone my testimony, I am actually ashamed of it. It is the truth. I worry how others will see me. Taking a deep breath, and here I go…

I was raised a Christian as a child, but never accepted Christ. We went to a Wesleyn church and one day I remember my Sunday School teacher cruelly telling me that I had to get saved now, and forced me to do it. I prayed, but I didn’t believe what I said, and felt wrong. I mistook this wrong feeling for thinking knowing God and accepting him was wrong because of her.

We went on to another church and I was okay with singing and such, but as I grew older, I just lived my own life, and that was hard enough. I sadly got into the New Age, Metaphysics movement in 2007 up until 2015. I was into everything from Reiki healing, tarot cards, angels, energy psychology, law of attraction, past lives, auric fields. I believed and fell for it all.

I ran every aspect of it I could into the ground. I found out though that it always ended up being a dead end and I never understood why. It made me miserable, and ruined my life, yet I kept believing it.

My luck ran out in 2009 when in Idaho, my friend and I could not afford to room together anymore, so I moved back to North Carolina, where my parents home was in Pinnacle. I immediately fell into serious health issues like a switch was pulled. I had chronic fatigue for years, and severe digestive issues. I was crippled mentally and physically and could not stay away half the time, and the other half worried how I was going to fix my life.

I clung to my beliefs even though they were stupid. In 2014, I started getting even more serious, and got into Doreen Virtue books on Angels. She said that if you call them into your life, they can help you achieve your goals. So in Spring of 2015, I got serious and started calling them by name. A horrible thing happened next. Several voices that were hateful appeared in my life and would taunt me day and night. I had the most awful feeling that something was terribly wrong, and I tried to look it up. What came to my mind was: oppression. The more I looked into it, the more angry I could feel a presence around me.

I had been trapped in my bedroom for years, only had a few online friends, and was willing to believe almost anything. My sanity was already hanging by a thread so it was a perfect setup.

The voices grew worse and said hateful things. I tried all my new age techniques of “white light healing”, “auric field clearing, protecting” etc and they all failed. I did not know what to think of God because I felt he was not real, or what I had heard had been misleading. It got so bad they would keep me awake at night. I could not tell my parents or anyone because we did not have a good relationship it was very strained.

In August, I was losing strength, but refused to hand over my will to demons. I had a dream one night that a brown furry demon chased me screaming. I woke up to find scratch marks on my arms. I did not put them there.

I sat in a chair and shook and sobbed with terror. I only had the fake angels which were really demons, so I called to “Michael”. Something showed up and attempted to say comforting things, but as I fell asleep, I felt like something was very wrong, and my heart could not stop beating fast.

I had no protection and every day felt more fearful, more upset, and it got so terrifying I felt as if all levels of protection were completely ripped from me and they wanted me dead.

I had no idea who to call so I made the mistake of calling a non denominational church-the Unity Church. May as well have a skull and cross bones on the front because she was an agent of Satan. She mentioned Jesus and said I had chains around my heart but was not letting him in, but she believed in New Age crap. She did some “energy clearing” on me before I left. The next thing i know I felt sick, thirsty, and had a migraine. I went home to discover a new voice that was even more bossy and hateful than before and pretended to be God.

I tried to go to my parents church to get saved but I did not believe it yet. So I started going to church with them, and I remember crying miserably thinking: “So this is how it is to be a Christian, unhappy and weird voices? No peace?” I was deeply confused.

I put up with it until December 1 and out of extreme fear, I ran to God, this time for real. I talked to the Pastor in his office and told him what was going on. He said if I was ready and really meant it, then I could pray and accept Christ, and it would work this time, if I was sincere. So I tried again, out loud and said what people famously call: “the sinners prayer”. I felt peaceful afterwards and calm.

What shocked me to death was that the Pastor was so connected to God that he gave me three verses, each one fitting to my situation and helped me tremendously.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind-2 Timothy 1:7

Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.-1 John 4:4

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me, and I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all, and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand. I am my Father, are one.-John 10:27-30

I took the last verse especially, and read it out loud and cried. I also read Psalm 91 out loud, and felt seething anger around me. For some reason God let the evil around me still be there for awhile. Maybe it was a consequence, I don’t know, but I was scared for months to come.

I know because I did not become a Christian happily like so many, my relationship with God has been a mess. Trusting him is very hard. I have been betrayed personally by many people, and deeply hurt in my life. I always am concerned that God wants me to be miserable, even though I read the opposite. My writing is from the lessons I have learned, and what I have let in so far.

I do not like telling my testimony. I hate it. Most have happy stories that don’t involve demons. Mine was not pretty, and I lived out a true nightmare. It had a happy ending, but I had to come to the very end. I had to realize that if demons existed, if evil existed, than so did God after all. Once, I realized this, I ran to him. Looking back, I think he had to go the extra mile in the terror department to really get me to believe he existed. I wish it had not been so traumatic, but he had to do something hardcore to get me to believe, and my guess is he knew if he did not, I would go to hell, so he didn’t want that, and he felt it was worth fighting for.