Abnormal weather day of 55 degrees and sunny at this end of February. So, I did what I love to do-I went down to my sacred creek below my house, and told God to connect with me there if he could. I enjoyed the sunlight, took photos, listened to some wonderful songs. Several things happened. I wanted to break free into song again, and it was not Christian songs, but abstract, neutral, emotional relaxing songs. I let myself go hearing Vancouver Sleep Clinic-Middle of Nowhere, and wished I knew the lyrics.
As I was at the creek, I kept telling God I wanted to have moments with him. Again, it came back I was trying too hard, that He was already there! Next, came something I should have realized was going to happen-I felt it come on me a phrase: ““Lay down your life, I will pick it up!” Oh boy, here we go again. So, I prayed and asked that that meant, and the answer seemed to come back to surrender again entirely. I thought I had.
I am at a point in my life, where this domain and my Art website domain is up soon, they need renewal money I don’t have, my site will downgrade to a subdomain instead of a .com which makes it look unprofessional. God knows this. I had been praying for money to sustain it, to continue on. Last week, I felt nudged to put a commission page on my website and I did that but it could take forever to get a client.
Here I am also lately deeply desirous of marriage, and find all these feelings rise up in me. I have waited my whole life through a massively long period of celibacy even before I was saved. I told God today that whatever happens or He wants to do, there better be a man at the end of it, I can’t take it anymore.
When I am in these moments at the creek, or I am connecting with God, I all but feel Him smiling as he suggests this matter of surrender, meanwhile I stand there, this close to being scared, wondering what on earth this annoying word even means.
I usually am at a point where everything is gone, and I stand there waiting for God for his next step. As I pondered this on the creek bed, it came to me: “Haven’t you been here before a year ago?”. Yes, that magical moment I wrote about a few times already, something I never forgot. It was this same exact period of time to be honest, maybe shy a few days last year, I was standing in the same spot, or close enough, and I was crying, and wondering what on earth would become of me. God gave me some strange sense of hope that day. I left, let go, and two weeks later landed the job that would be the most hardest experience ever, but paid massively well. If I had not been sick with underlying infections, I would have enjoyed it more.
I also realized, as I once again let go, and walked back, and tried to sing some songs gently, that it reminded me of my lost love-jazz. This came to mind the past few days and I ended up in tears again. I always wanted to be a Jazz Singer, and have my own album. That is not a very Christian thing to do, and I had to let that dream go. When I was away from God in 2019, I sung every day, and honed my voice, watched videos on singing, and got to a point of breakthrough. When I had plans, God convicted me to come back for other reasons, and I dropped the jazz dream once more. I had a piano keyboard I was dying to learn collecting dust in the corner of my room, and could not look at it. I had no desire to sing religious hymns, if it is not an abstract song or something weird, I simply don’t like many hymns or even modern songs. They all make me feel stupid and hate the faith for it’s strictness, or for rules I could never follow.
But Here I am, I follow anyway, and do my best, and keep telling myself I will sing jazz to my Husband someday adorned in a nice dress. It is not what I wanted at all, jazz touches a deep place in me, but I have to enjoy it quietly.
I don’t mean for this to sound so dismal, when God asks us to surrender, we never know what that will look like. I will keep you updated regardless.
I just know now I want to break into song more and stop feeling like I have no freedom. I also have started doing arm ballet moves to music and feel freedom doing that, and prayed about that as well that I was allowed to. I tend to be drawn over and over to things like my art, where I get to deeply let go, and have freedom and express myself. There are a few songs I like where the main singers, let go and sing a high note, and I always come to these parts, clench my hand together up, and silently belt it out with them. It is a call of freedom, to be not be held down. In a Christ followers life, you feel like a robot half the time trying to please God, but feel afraid to be yourself. I am working hard on this.
So Christian, you have heard this before and it is nothing new. God should ask you to surrender at some point, we are told to, and once we do, He picks it up, and guides us. It is that part that is scary. How is my life going to be ruined? Thoughts like that run through your head, and then maybe your like me, and you shrug, let go anyway, and burst into song. It is one of those, just-do-it moments and see where it takes you.
Do you have any experiences where God asked you to surrender and it worked out well for you? Share them in the comments below!