Writing that title, picking the right one, and getting to the point fast, actually makes me cringe, but on this blog, this is what I do. Truth is, I am afraid of God a lot. I never healed feelings and was never offered any as of yet. The verse in 1 John 4:15-19, about there being no fear in love, and those who fear have not been made perfect. Yes, I am not perfect, does it mean I have to be to be in order to feel “perfect in love”? Tough issue.
I went to the creek today, and instead of enjoying it madly, I felt uneasy, pained and anguished. I took photos in the dark pretty much because my tablet blacks out the screen outside for some reason, so I shot best angles I could since I have been a photographer for years. The lighting is off a little but you will see pics below of what I took..
The rock bed you see has water still flowing around it even though it is piled up. That seemed like a flash of insight. I wanted to capture my mood, but suck at photos of myself, but I turned the camera direction around. I took different angles of the creek that I have in the past, to show myself something different. As I kept staring at the water lapping around the rocks, I kept thinking to myself: “unblock”. So I prayed even though I did not want to, and told God straight up I was fearful of him again, and confess it but otherwise don’t know how to connect with him today. I wanted to get a magical moment, but instead my emotions won out. Why?
Because there is a private subject I am dealing with, and I just assume that God’s feelings on it are that he could care less what I think and feel of it, and I have no idea that He will help me the way I wish he would. Confessing stuff, does not make it go away. I kept thinking as I was standing there, I was going to have to go back and do a journal entry, knowing that I might feel pressure lifted, but there still won’t be answers to my problem.
It is something I have cared about for three years now, and it is truly an impossible dream, one where in a perfect universe it might could happen. I can’t reveal every personal detail of my life on this blog, sorry, it is intensely personal. So personal, I don’t even trust God. So maybe it is that lack of trust that leaves the horrid feeling to continue on. If something changes, I will write an update, and I think it is important to keep it real, and lay it out there, because our real problems matter.
I have repressed many parts of this, many times in order to be a good Christian. I feel like as I do so, I am erasing what I feel which is very deep. Erasing myself and what matters to my heart is not cool and I am not okay with it.
With God, many times, where I have difficulty, I will have good days where I pray, give it to him, and cringe, and I might feel better mentally, but nothing happens to answer. So I close myself back up again like a cocoon, and on and on i goes. I know reading my blog is uncomfortable for people. It must be, because I deal with the hardcore stuff that is hidden deep inside. Truth is, I have lost everyone and everything in my life I did care about, and was tricked so heavily many times by evil, my life is like the movie: The Game.
Maybe you have something you just can’t face that you are also holding back. Believe me, I understand. If there is anything you can pray about it, do so, and wait. If not, work out your feelings so you can get to a different place.
As I walked up the hill back to my house, my favorite group lyric suddenly spilled out of the headphones:
Lost, I feel lost, I feel lost inside myself..
I feel better than I have ever known..-Voyageur, Fire and Stone Here
I sung the first part, did not know the past part. Looked it up, found it to be oddly true. When I think of my feelings and my heart on this subject, I do feel better than I have ever known, and then I flash back to reality that the journey to making it a reality would take an amazing hand of God, or he will be dead set against it.
The creek bed teaches me that there are logs in the way, rocks, things that can stop the flow of the spirit, but sometimes it is easier said than done to get it flowing again. I am like the part of the bed full of rocks that still has water flowing around it, so I am not dead yet.
So as I wrote a journal entry, did not feel much better. Forced myself to pray one line at the end..“Father, you can take this even though I don’t know what you will do with it, I beg you do not rip my very soul out of me.”
Yes I said that, it is what is is.
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