I have learned so much in such a short period of time. This post is part of a series I am doing on Identifying Pain and acting on it.
I have had a rough, long road for years with my faith, and a few things have come to mind. The biggest lesson is there is a block to God if we give our emotions over to evil to play around with.
We hear about warfare all the time. We are told to be sober and vigilant, to put on the Armour of God, but frankly the Armour of God is vague, and never should have been. People look at it more black and white than going way deep with it, so we suffer as a consequence.
I started off with my new way of thinking, and hit the ground running. I told myself to identify every time I thought something, what was the feeling behind it? For a few hours, I noticed everything and was dumbfounded at what I learned.
My mind went to Missy Higgins video: Everyone’s Waiting. I will post it at the end of this article. In early 2018. I was away from God, and confused. This video popped up one day and I felt like she was talking to me. The scenes in it are depicting of me also. She is going into the ocean. Waves brutally hit her and the lyrics are about making pain stop so you can be left alone. That was me. Later on, she gives up, goes under the water, and finds peace and calm. When she comes up, she is revitalized,and free. I always took this to mean in my own life, if I got away from God, maybe I would find peace, but that is not the case. I have to realize I have been lied to.
It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it off but everyone’s waiting-Missy Higgins
The enemy has set up goalposts in my head to say the least. I pinpointed a number of thoughts in just a few hours, and every single one them had Satan and his minions all over it. Ticks me off. Guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, humilation, despair, frustration, finger pointing, accusations, a feeling that God is angry at me, is not happy with me came up.
I wrote in my post previously about Bible reading. That was a start. I realized how many bad thoughts I have about reading the word, and that I was not being patient with myself because I thought if I was not perfect now, God would get angry that I was not making an effort. Catching these feelings and writing them down, is like trying to catch a moving bug and trying to stop it. It must be stopped though or it will continue to harass you.
I realized my brain has been open season for the enemy because I had lost my identity. If we don’t know who we are in God, our foundation is ripped from us, and we will flail wildly every day. Anything that is not checked or marked, or understood in our brains will leave access points for evil to come in and destroy us.
What is creepy is that I have been having nightmares for months. A few weeks ago, I had a dream where I was in a house, and the doors were shabby. They had giant slats of air on the sides, and was made of crappy material, and there was an enemy on the other side barrelling towards me. I also had dreams of constantly being hit up by someone chasing me and seeing dark figures.
I understand now God was trying to tell me that my foundation was crap. I was letting everything in, and did not even realize it.
Everywhere I look in response to God, and yes I mean everywhere, is PAIN. Why? Because I left God twice, I have deep emotional wounds never healed, and even though I don’t want to, I blocked God from coming in by accident.
I associate God with fear, pain, angst, and that he is a God that wants to take away, make me do everything for him, does not care what I feel about anything. That my life will be a robotic, miserable fest if I let him have his way.
I have been trying for weeks to undo this slowly but to no avail. I told God everything I was feeling, but nothing changed. One day, it broke, and I finally discovered Mark DeJesus teachings and it felt like God was talking to me in every single word that came out of his mouth. This is a game changer for me now. I wish I had learned this myself. I wanted to discover these things for my writing and relay that information back to my followers, and I knew I had to surrender in order for that to happen.
Now, it is like the gloves are off, my eyes are opening finally to what is going on around me, but what is going on inside of me also.
My pain points are so strong in connection to MOST of my thoughts about God, that there is a block there. This block keeps God from me. Accidental sin might be involved of doubt and fear, and worry. So the thoughts come up, the emotions attached are of extreme pain. Like: “No, I can’t trust God with this, He will hurt me”. “No, I can’t let him have this, I don’t trust him” and so forth.
Some of it in not even verbal, it is a strong NO. So in doing this, the enemy has access to me, and drills his crap into my head daily. It becomes so commonplace, so ordinary, you think it is just a part of you. You know it is there, but you don’t know what to do, so you wearily push through each day and hope to do better tommorow, only that never happens. You just get worse and grow even more issues with God.
In reflecting on this, I was reminded of a scene from The Dick Van Dyke Show: Don’t Trip Over That Mountain!. Rob goes skiing, and gets hurt, so badly that it is like he has a full body sprain. He tries to hide it at home, and when it finally gets revealed to Laura, he says it hurts everywhere, even when she touches him. That is how I feel. My pain is so deep on every level, it cannot even be grasped. It is far and wide. Nobody can touch it. So this holds me in bondage where I am a slave to it, and can’t get free.
I am unravelling this mess inside and ask you if you think the enemy may be afflicting your thoughts? Most of us expect Satan to do obvious things and that we will recognize them all, but we actually miss a large percentage of them because we think it is coming from us. Our fears and anxieties are preyed on, and we believe the lies that are said.
So to me, if I think God is a cruel Father, and wants to ruin my life just because of His Glory, than I have to believe it is the opposite of that. Why? Because the Bible says Satan is the father of lies. There is no truth in him, so if that “truth” is being given to me, wouldn’t the opposite be true? Still hard nonetheless, but worth fixing and noticing.
I was told by Christians for years that we are to ignore our feelings, and emotions. They misunderstand the”cast down imaginations” verse to mean that we throw out our own feelings and insights. They also point on end to that verse in Jeremiah about the heart being wicked. The problem with that is it ignores you, your pain, and tells you that you have no value or worth, and a person who thinks like that, no matter how hard they try, will never really be a force for God. You will never really be yourself. You will be your own enemy. We have been told we suck on every level because of our sin, but the rest of us is NOT sin. The parts God made that make us who we are, are not sinful. We have our own personalty, and unique characteristics that make up who we are, and we are constantly shooting ourselves down, and punching ourselves in the face, thinking God wants us to hate ourselves.
When I read Bonnie Gray, she said a few times that when we ignore ourselves, we are saying we don’t matter, just never mind. That is not okay!
How does it feel to say that to ourselves? Like garbage.
I remember a few months ago, I started riding a stationary bike. I told myself: “You can do this, just do a little at a time, fight back and keep at it!”. I felt encouraged by my own language I said to myself, but later felt bad that maybe God did not want me saying nice things to myself. That is stupid. If you can’t deal with yourself inside of your own skin, nobody else can do it for us. God can’t do everything. We have to find the emotional connection, talk to ourselves, get to a better place, and try to let Him in. It is a process.
So identify your pain blocks. What emotions come up when you think of certain subjects throughout your day? If you don’t know the subjects, start focusing from the time you wake up, and do an experiment for a few hours. Than after that, it becomes easier.
Keep a journal nearby, and write down every emotion that comes up in response to a thought and try to pin it down. Does this thought empower you or hurt you?
Is there shame, guilt, worry, or fear around it?
Does it cause you to push away God?
Does it create anxiety and stress?
The famous verse we just don’t get deep down is 2 Timothy 1:7. We know it by heart, but we don’t do what it says.
God did not give a spirit of fear…
he gave power
and a sound mind
A sound mind is what we are after. If we don’t have it, we have to ask ourselves why. Identifying blocks to God, and seeing what pain is attached to that block takes incredible self awareness, but you can do it. We have to be willing to face our fears, and problems with ourselves and not be afraid of our own shadows.
A sound mind is where we can start from, and try to strive for.