The other day I tried looking in the mirror and right at my eyes to say something nice to myself, and I noticed staring back at me was a woman deeply confused by everything. Years of my life have been stolen from me, and with my increased self awareness the past few weeks, I have discovered twelve thousand things more wrong with me, all painting a bigger picture that seems to resemble OCD.
I don’t have cleaning behaviors or odd habits. Is is mental OCD. I have to fix something all the time in my head, I feel unease and weird and cannot rest for very long with God and I am trying hard to retrain myself to do this. Because God accepts us as we are now, I tell myself that and try to tell myself to accept who I am too. It is important not to fall for self pity. There is a difference however between pity and compassion.
What I saw the other day when I looked myself was compassion on the outer edge of it. Someone who wanted to stop looking at my flaws. I know truthfully I am a survivor first and foremost. Most people don’t live through what I have and come out sane. I am lucky to have any sanity left. I have bee alone in the same room for ten years. I got out last year for four months and remodeled the room I have, and that helped a lot, but things happen and you almost feel like you are losing your mind.
I did not know that when I accepted God into my life, the war would be on so bad that it would trick me, play games with me, turn my head into a garbled up mess. It was only the past few months of finding a mentor online that God brought that has had me open up everything about my thoughts and try to figure out this mess.
From the very second I was saved in 2015, it is more like God is an enemy. I did not like him with me, and just felt like all he wants to do is take from us because he hates us, tolerates us. Mainstream Christianity has made me almost bitter because they completely trashed my walk with God by showing their own insecurities, and screamed them out like they were law.
Picking up the mess of this is not easy. God knows it all, and I still pray and tell him things new, and beg him to give me an experience of his love, to cleanse those areas that are broken. Problem is, it is not happened yet and makes me beat myself up farther, because it should be easy, but it is not.
Too long thinking that I am a slave and not a daughter, and this is where it put me, a complete train wreck inside.
If you met me, you would not be able to tell much, but you would sense me being careful with words and actions.
So each day I take a break and try to be better than the day before. Try to let God in more, even though I don’t know what to do to make that happen. The OCD mind is loops that go around and feel like nothing is right. The only cure is to starve half of the compulsions to over research things, to fix everything and with time, it gets better.
I am tired of feeling like I am unloveable just because I am different. We have value, the trouble is deep down none of us believe it.
I am just going to keep reaching and trying..