Seeking With All My Heart

I realize this blog is a mess, I change things up, I get discouraged, I delete posts, but all I can do is carry on messily.

My obesession with healing will not leave me alone. After I gave up, or thought I had, it was only the beginning. I prayed fervently for information and felt like it was answered again one after another for days and days now. I have seen tons of healing videos and testimonies and one man I found on YouTube, answered something for me. When I am in prayer a lot, I worry God won’t hear me and that evil will get it’s way. He said if you are seeking with all your heart, that will not happen. My prayers have become even more powerful and even more fervent.

I have noticed changes. Without reading it in a book for once, I feel like God led me to an idea. I went to my mirror, and looked at my eyes and stood there calmly and said a few times to myself that God wants to heal me. I wanted to know if any resistance came up from the spirit. I have done it several times and I feel like I am being led, and cheerleaded on here. The problems come in with the fact that I have had chronic migraines, stomach issues, and Type 2 Diabetes for years and years, and I realized this was also habitual to take pills, to do things and breaking that off and believing it wont come back is very hard for me.

My eyes look bigger and wider. I have felt God’s strength in me for the first time in a long time. I feel a stronger force when I try to say something in healing. I will say: “be healed, in Jesus name” and feel some positive surge of power come out. You would think that it would be a done deal, but no. Things have to be done in layers.

Like I said in the past, I truly did not believe and kept going back and forth on the authority we have as believers. I kept praying asking God, begging him, do we have it or not? And every time I asked I was being led to more information that yes instead of no. I am not pushing this, controlling this at all, I am numb, and just going where he leads. Thanks to the self awareness I have been taught, I try to recognize when the enemy strikes.

Last night, I was in bed and started feeling like something was wrong physically. My heart started beating fast, and my stomach started up a little bit. In the past that always means I have been exposed to a chemical or a food I was allergic to. I put my foot down, and said “be healed” on repeat. Then I said out loud if there were any evil attack on me and my body to leave now. I did this several times. I succeeded! It shocked me. I had to distract myself though to keep it from coming back so I watched something funny online, and bulldozed forward.

Sadly, today though a migraine fought with me for two hours and I had to give in and take a pill even though I tried several times to get it to leave. There was this fear it would come back. I gave all these fears to God and told him what a failure I feel like.

I have watched countless videos of people who have said it was God’s will to heal. It is a lie that we are to be sick and that God wants us that way. I believed that too for the longest time. In OT days, he did do that. But how many times can I say it, that we are under grace now and not the law?

What is eerie, is the once verse God had been bringing my attention to for months, I could not grasp its meaning, and then in a testimony the other day, someone mentioned that verse and my mouth dropped. It does mean what I thought. It is in Ephesians 1 about having recieved every spiritual blessing in heavenly places. This always tripped me up because I wanted to know what blessings it was talking about and then it was answered.

I keep fighting it at times, and give into the dumb beliefs that we cannot be healed, and then I go back to it because it wont leave me alone.

I have felt different the past week and felt my insides rise up in anger and the victimized attitude wants to go. I have told God I am done, and have no desire anymore to be held back from chronic illness.

My migraines, stomach and blood sugar run my life. It severely limits what I can and can’t do. One man said he had a rare stomach disorder and was sick and nothing was helping and over the phone he was healed, and the person said: “Jesus, please take back all the things the enemy has stolen from him”. I burst into tears because that is me. I have lost years of my life to my health and I want it back.

One woman, an unbeliever who said she had never heard of God, was never told of him, got injured at 18, thrown off a cliff, and her back was bent abnormally. She was told all she could do was take pain pills and with time it would get worse. It did. For 20 years she was in pain and needed morphine almost to get better. One day in her living room, she said she heard a voice say: “Nothing is impossible with God”. She was confused. She said she was guided to read the Gospels and Acts and did so. At the end, she said: “Okay, if you are real and did all these healings, then heal me”. In one hour, she was healed entirely including of her addiction to pills. No these are not fake stories.

I will post a few of them below.The sad part is, yes there are fake healers like Benny Hinn but just because there are bad liars in the faith does not mean every single healer is fake. If a person is not healed, there is always a reason and it usually is a block of some type and a lack of faith. Which is why I have told God straight up that we have a problem here because I doubt my ability to get rid of it for good. I doubt if my mustard seed is big enough. I know full well it comes from God and I say that, I know it is his power. but that doesn’t help me for some reason.

For weeks now I have fervently prayed for the gift of faith because I know I am screwed without it. There are levels of things that have to be worked through sometimes.

All I know is, I can’t let this go. I feel something rise up in me every day now. I see my eyes brighter and wider and ready to live, not die. I see something I havent’t seen before and it has to be God pushing this. I wish I didn’t give so much information because I intend to write a book one day.

One of the videos, someone from Bethel put up. I realize this church has tons of problems, and is insane, and I don’t know if this person goes there or not, she didn’t say, she was just interviewed, but again just because some testimonies might come from some weird places, doesnt mean God can’t work miracles. Joel Osteen’s Mother, I did not put that up, she was healed at 45 of Liver disease by having it cast out and look how corrupt he is. Sorry, I realize that is judgemental but the body of Christ is an absolute mess, but God has to work through the rubble of it to still show he can still heal today.

Here are some healing video testimonies that are astonishing:

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